A Totally Scientific Ranking Of 24 Male Athletes Turned Underwear Models
24. English Soccer Player David Beckham
OK, I WOULD have ranked David higher. I wanted to, I really did. But look at his H&M bulge. Why is it square, David? What are you hiding in there? Is that a book? Are you keeping a book down there for reading? WHY IS IT SO LOW AND HORIZONTAL, THAT IS WHAT I AM ASKING.
23. English Rugby Player James Haskell
I’m all for working out until you’re physically unable to bring your arms together in front of your body. That’s fun. That’s cool. That’s your choice. But we need to find this man some green panties that FIT. Because I’m genuinely worried about the safety of his genitals.
22. Australian Cricketer Mitchell Johnson
I still don’t know what cricket is, and at this point, I don’t care.
21. New Zealand Rugby Player Daniel Carter
Why is he so shiny? Is he sweating? Is that natural glow? Where even is New Zealand?
20. German Soccer Player Lukas Podolski
I’m not saying I wouldn’t hang out with Lukas in a locker room for as long as he wanted. But I AM saying that this is a lame pair of underwear. Would you wear these to a party? No. You’d wear these to a funeral. This is the underwear you would wear to dump someone, you monster.
19. Australian Swimmer Eamon Sullivan
I support Eamon’s willingness to explore tight, brightly colored underwear. Follow your tight undie dreams, Eamon. I’m right behind you.
18. NFL Quarterback Cam Newton
This is the modern-day version of a chastity belt. Please pray for Cam, who got into these Under Armour BoxerJocks in 1990 and has never returned.
17. Spanish Tennis Player Fernando Verdasco
From what I can see, Fernando can play tennis pretty well. This is my only critique.
16. Australian Olympic Swimmer James Magnussen
At this point, I just assume nobody in Australia ever wears clothes. They just fashion various undergarments from tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets, and that’s how they live. Just walking around, mostly naked and beautiful, wearing underwear made of tablecloths and drapes and bedsheets.
15. Serbian Tennis Player Janko Tipsarevic
I support your right to beat up things in your underwear and stand around looking sweaty. This is why sports exist.
14. Australian Olympic Diver Matthew Mitcham
Matthew Mitcham could murder a baby in front of me, and as long as he was wearing these, I would be like, “OK, sure, he probably deserved it.”
13. Australian Olympic Swimmer Christian Sprenger
Starting to think Olympic swimmers are legally obligated to also model tiny man undergarments.
12. Spanish Soccer Player Javi Martinez
Javi has that look like he woke up this morning and forgot he had an underwear shoot today and he rushed to the studio and took off his clothes and this is what he looked like, just beautiful and perfect and I want to punch him in his face.
11. Spanish Soccer Player Alberto de la Bella
Alberto clearly knows what it takes to become an accomplished underwear model. Slowly take off all your clothes — EXCEPT YOUR WHITE SOCKS — and then surround yourself with a bunch of other equally naked men. Collect paycheck. Receive fame.
10. Australian Rugby Player Sandor Earl
First of all, his name is Sandor. Second of all, he’s selected the perfect pair of underwear to show off his greatest asset…that beautiful star tattoo.
9. Japanese Soccer Player Hidetoshi Nakata
I’ll ignore the fact that Hidetoshi looks like he’s stuck in that T-shirt in favor of his flawless ab game.
8. The Entire French Olympic Swimming Team
OK, sure, there’s eight of them and only one of everybody else. Except this isn’t even an ad. They just happened to show up at this pier, nearly naked, and took this picture. So, that’s good.
7. Spanish Tennis Player Rafael Nadal
Look at the intensity in Nadal’s eyes. He’s really playing this role. He’s like, “Oh, god. I forgot my clothes at home again. I guess I’ll just grab my head and lean against this metal thing and ponder.”
Good. Good modeling.
6. Australian Rugby Player Nick Youngquest
I like to think this is how Nick shows up to work. Just puts on his running shoes, grabs a ball and goes.
5. Australian Rugby Player David Williams
Full disclosure: This is actually a calendar shoot and not at all an underwear ad. But, I mean. It might as well be.
4. English Rugby Player Alexander Cheesman
Also a calendar shoot. Also doesn’t matter. Also he’s English. Imagine this man talking to you in an English accent. IMAGINE HIM TALKING TO YOU AT ALL.
3. Swedish Soccer Player Fredrik Ljungberg
Sure, Fredrik is No. 3 on this list. But he’s actually only average hot in Sweden. So, like, this is out of pity, really.
2. Portuguese Soccer Player Cristiano Ronaldo
Cristiano has actually never worn clothes in his life. This is how he lives. This is how he survives.
1. Scottish Rugby Player Thom Evans
Thom Evans is the first person who greets you when you die and go to heaven. He’s there, dressed only in this underwear. He hands you a warm towel and a chocolate bar and he lets you touch his stomach, but only once. And that’s it. That’s what happens when you get to heaven.